Left Turn at Albuquerque

As a pseudo home body, I have a lot of free time to reflect about the things that have transpired in my life.  Having an abundance of time to reflect on your life isn’t always a good thing.  There are times when it is completely necessary in order to avoid another wrong turn, a bad decision or finding the location of your misplaced good judgement.  And then there are those quiet moments when no one is looking that you reflect and secretly bash yourself for the ignorance you have invited into your life.

In my daily talk with my mother-in-law yesterday morning, she reminded me that I am not really an anti-social person.  I just limit myself in the amount of social activity I permit to add chaos and ignorance into my life.  She reminded me that last Thursday night, I was in a loud environment with loud people, listening to my husband play the drums in a band that sometimes makes me scratch my head and wonder ‘WTF’?  She reminded me that I was not an anti-social recluse. I was talking to people, laughing & having a good time.

I have to work on my perception of self.  I see myself as a negative person, because I have been told that I am a negative person.  I am not so sure that I am negative.  I just see things differently than most.   I am not sure why this is.  My husband can see our home as a nice, warm, inviting place to relax after a hard day at work.  I see our home as a money pit with many chores to be done, repairs to be made, someplace to escape from on occasion. I am the Yin, he is the Yang.  I am the dark, he is the light.  Not necessarily opposing forces, but rather one that cannot exist without the other.

MIL also told me this morning that maybe I shouldn’t say so much and that some things should be left for my own introspection.  I find this a very hard concept to grasp.  How can I communicate effectively with my husband (or anyone else for that matter) if I do not express my thoughts, beliefs and feelings and keep some of it to myself?  I do censor myself with other people, but have always felt my husband was the one person in my life I could lay it all out.  It’s not that he has to agree with everything I say, think or feel, but I want him to know.

It’s like being on the opposite side of the road. We may not be in the same place, but at least he knows where I am.

If my thinking is a right turn, maybe next time I should make a left.

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